Life is short

Earlier this month there was a loss in the extended family Vet Falls from New York Coaster. Then last week there was an car accident close to home that could have involved us or my husband had it been another day. I beautiful 9 year old girl lost her life. In her honor people everywhere are giving to a charity to bring clean water to those who need it.

Saturday I woke up to find a good friend died suddenly when her heart just stopped at the gym. She left behind a beautiful almost 4 year old daughter and I can't imagine what the family is going through. I am still in shock. She was at my baby shower 5 years ago. Our girls were babies together. I just sent her a birthday wish 10 days ago.

Life is too short. I wish I could just hold my children and husband and never let go.

Rest in peace your lives were too short and you will be greatly missed.

Whoops!

With friends visiting and seeing how nice life can be when you aren't constantly carrying around a baby or pregnant, I decided I am really comfortable to be done having children and really ready to move on. I want to enjoy my husband and not constantly struggle to share my time on such a great level.

My husband freaks out when our 11 month old starts crying. No exaggeration. He walked home last weekend because he couldn't stand he crying for 5 minutes (while we were driving home.) This reconfirmed to me that we need to be done having babies.

Last night we had a little swimmer security breech. I seriously pray nothing becomes of that security breech. It brought us on the topic of permeant fixes.

When it comes down to it. I wouldn't mind having everything removed (not just disconnected), but then that brings it's own challenges. He doesn't want his junk touched. This would have obviously been the easiest solution.

I refuse birth control (hormones) and my body doesn't regulate itself enough to just keep a chart of temps (if by chance it does later, it may be too late.)

We are both kind of on the page of...what will happen will happen because aside from me getting everything removed there is always that small chance of something happening.

My husband did say something that made me sad. Well really if we don't want kids then we just need to be abstinent, but I can't do that so you will be on your own there.

I understand him on one hand, but on the other hand he doesn't want anymore kids either so how stupid does he sound not willing to do anything about it.

I am frustrated. If my body wasn't so jacked up (hips and feet) then I might just take up running and weight lifting again and then I wouldn't hardly have enough body fat to get pregnant.

Let me also put things in perspective. My grandmother who I take after like a twin. Had 3 children between 17 and 23. Then she had twins at 33 years old. Then after having the twins she had complications that later lead to a hysterectomy. My other grandmother had 3 kids, stopped and then whoops 8 years later another one. It also lead to an emergency hysterectomy.

Which child #3 I counted my blessings that everything went okay and we all were able to walk away. I really don't want to take my chances....

Ugh

Husband has a reunion weekend this summer about 2000 miles away. He wants (us all) to go. He has known about it since April or even earlier. I heard about it through his (exchange) parents in May.

Tell him get tickets so it won't be last minute expensive. He still hasn't even looked into tickets.

Today he e-mails me the reunion schedule and says, my (exchange) parents are too old to watch the kids so if you don't mind I want to go to the dinner and drinking night and then one night out with the boys.

Backstory I talked to him about starting my dance class back up in a month (it means I would be gone for 2 hours, but home for bedtime), and he said, "no I don't think your daughter is ready to be without you (at 11 months old)."

So of corse I basically said, why would I want to spend over $1k (more like 2-3) to go there and sit with the kids while you go out? We have a lot of other things we need to spend money on.

"well you can go have a girls night..." First if I had a girls night he would say, who are these friends and spend half an hour BSing me until it is not worth going. Second he knows I am not interested in "girls night" because I am not a drinker and even if I was, I couldn't because I am nursing. Third why he be okay with a girls night and not me taking my dance?

Oh yeah...he is full of sh1t. He claims he values family time but yet he never wants to do activities as a family. He just got back from 5 weeks away from us and now he wants to go out drinking with the guys to build relationships. Last weekend I wanted us all to go somewhere (I had multiple ideas and just asked him to pick something), no he spent it bitching about something house related and then we got stuff done in the yard.

Mostly Good

My grandmother who was born in 1933 came for a visit this week with my mom. Seeing my grandmother who is not aging so gracefully really made me think about things and how what I am doing now and the habits I am developing will impact my life in 40 years. It also made me think more about my parents and my plans for their care should they ever need help.

It is sad that my grandmother doesn't really know who I am or who the kids are, but great to see her. Z and her built a great little bond while she was here and I know Z will have good memories of her.

In swimming news. Little M, who is 10 months will start swimming lessons soon. G who is 3 can swim 20 feet my himself. Z who is 5, can swim at least 50 feet by herself. When I say by themselves I mean no help head down and coming up for a breath on their own as needed. Z can also swim out and dive 5 feet down without help.

In biking news. Z can bike 1/4 of a mile (without training wheels or help). G has a strider bike and he can go about 1/10 of a mile coasting (balancing). It would seem that I might have to kids on bikes without training wheels by the end of the summer. I have a double bike trailer/stroller and I might not have use for it much longer.

In talking news. M says, Mama, Baba, and Hi. G is putting into words all the thoughts in his head and it is really amazing. 6 months ago, "Help me please mama" was good. Now, "Mama look at that drawbridge it is moving fast." I didn't even know he knew what a drawbridge was...

This is an exciting time in all our lives. I just wish I could slow it down a little.