Moving down

I have about 30 miles in so far this year. 

We are on round 4 of everyone getting sick this week. Well almost everyone...I got sick once. Yes, it was kind of nice because I got to take a nap. Hopefully everyone's health will return soon so I can get out and start running again.

Diet bet finished up. I lost my 4% and turned my $10 into $17.50. I found that being so conscious of what I was eating for 28 days completely changed my habits. I am no longer on a "see food" diet and I don't crave chocolate and sweets, and then sit and eat all chocolate in sight. I actually tried to eat chocolate yesterday and I just got full and disgusted with it.  

I joined another diet bet game today. If I am successful I will hit my goal weight. I am kind of excited for myself to be that size again and at the same time scared I won't be able to maintain it as freely as I once did. 

Just keep running

Jogged twice this week with the jogging stroller and spent some time on the ski machine. Got in 10 miles. My goal this year is 400 miles, but I would ideally get in 500 miles. 

It's funny to think back to when I was in high school and compare it to now. 12 years ago an 8 minute mile was jogging and 25 miles a week was average. Now 11 minute miles are jogging and 10 miles a week is my average. Just call me fat and old. 

There is a sprint dualathon in June. 3 mile run and 15 mile bike ride. Part of me wants to do it, and the other part of me is scared about the hill on mile 4 and 9, which happens to be the lower part of the hill I live on. I am not sure what my knees, hip, and bike are capable of. The good news is there is a 5k and 10k run/walk so maybe I can just tackle the 5K for time or the 10k for distance and then more seriously consider the dualathon for 2015. 

Diet Better

In my efforts, or lack of lately, to move the scale, I have gone the wrong way. I picked up a couple of extra pounds and I am starting to realize carbohydrates clog my digestion. They don't digest right or take an extra 24 hours (TMI, I know). 

Over winter break with my niece here we had an awesome time running the local trails and it made me realize I need to make it a daily outing as much as possible. It makes me feel good about myself physically and mentally. So now I must find a cheap jogging stroller on Craigslist and give this a try. 

I am also trying a website called Diet Bet. www.dietbetter.com You pick a challenge of either loosing 4% or 10% in either 4 weeks or 6 months respectively. If you meet your goal you get your money back and whatever is left over from those who did not meet their goal. I am starting out with a $10 investment and then I may try higher stakes next time. Money and others is always a good motivator for me, so I am hoping this helps keep me on track. 

Huh...

The last 3 out of 4 days my husband has had to stay home with the kids while I went out and did things. He is so grumpy and bitter. Does he realize that I have been doing nothing but taking care of the kids 24/7 minus 9 days for the last 7.5 years? I don't just sit around in my PJs sulking either. If I only accomplish dishes, laundry, and making meals from scratch, it was a lazy day. I ask him if he wants to go out, if he wants to do something...not always the luxury a mom gets, and I get a grunt. 

I don't get it. 

15 and lost

A beautiful girl very close to me is miserable. She is 15 at life cross roads. She lives in a city where there is more plastic than live cells. Her family is surviving on financial fumes paying $1800 for a 2/2 under 1000 sq ft. and she has been saving money her whole life to buy a car. 

Her father left when he was told he would have to support a family that he could not beat. Her mom doesn't always make the hard choices, but waits for them to be made for her. Her older brother has no qualm taking advantage of the poor to build up himself. Her younger smiles and keeps giving. She tries so hard to fit into a city she doesn't belong.

She spends the night crying herself to sleeping wishing for a life that doesn't exist. Dreaming of a future where she is loved, treasured, and cared for by a man who treats her well. Dreaming of 4 wheels and a way to escape. Dreaming of a job she loves that pays the rent. 

She cries all night wishing her life would change. Wishing the grades came easy and the love rolled in. 

2 more days and I'll try my best to heal the pain and tell her with time things will change. 

Sewing

It is a rare occasion that I take out my sewing machine, but with a teen and pre-teen coming to spend the holidays with us, it was time to take her out.

Kids love lounge pants aka flannel pajama bottoms. Before attempting adult sizes, I wanted to try a toddler size. I followed the directions from here http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Sew-Your-Own-Pajama-Pants/?ALLSTEPS and what do you know it worked. 

Here is what they looked like before finishing the waist or hemming the legs. The project took me 3.5 hours from beginning to end with a few interruptions. 

Once my toddler put on the pants she was in love. She loves puppies and picked the print herself. 

I call that a success.

The Christmas "IT" toy for girls

In case you have been living in a cave, Goldie Blox is "it" for girls 5-8 years old.  (http://www.goldieblox.com/)

I know it is the "it" toy when my husband comes home and says we need to get this for Christmas for Z.  1st- We don't celebrate Christmas. 2nd- We are on a spending freeze for the moment.

So what is this toy exactly?

It uses a storybook, figurines, a pegboard, wheels, axles, blocks, washers, a crank, and a ribbon to teach girls about belt drives.

It will help girls improve their spatial and engineering skills while becoming better problem solvers. 

I just purchased this online today and it will be interesting to see if it gets a lot of use or gets pushed aside behind the Legos and ponies. 

Trying to move my butt and the scale

This year my goal is to get down to 125lbs. (I am only 5'2".) I started 2013 at 142.

 This summer I went down to 128, but now I am back to 132. I love chocolate and it does not return the love. 

 I did get some help from the Tupler Technique (there is only a couple of weeks difference in these two pictures and at most 2lbs.) My other secret it an old school NordicTrek. Typing now as I use it :) 

The Yard Summer 2012

The couple that lived here before us built the house. When they sold it to us almost 3 years ago they were in their mid-60s. As they told all the neighbors at the time. "We like our yard to look natural." By that they meant we put stuff in the ground but we don't take care of it. 

I spent the whole weekend digging up old mulch. By old I mean it was beautiful compost on top of a weed barrier. When we bought the place they had just thrown down a thin layer or mulch. The plants were so over grown they were hiding all the rocks. The plant on the left of the picture is actually lavender, but it appears to have only been trimmed 3 times in it's life. Once when the house went up for sale (so it wasn't covering the walkway), once when we moved in (because it was 2.5 times the size it is now), and once this weekend. The poor lavender is all woody. I am hoping I can save it. 

While I was clearing the old mulch we found an opening in the weed barrier for a plant. We were talking about what to put in it. An hour later our neighbor walks over with a container full of day lilies. We have great neighbors. 

Husband got a ridding mower this weekend too. Now the lawn only takes 1-1.5 hours to mow instead of 4-6 hours. I hate that is is gas powered, but saving an average of 3-5 hours every other weekend it awesome. 

Hopefully I can finish the bottom of this hill this week and get some more blueberries in soon. Then weed the walkway all before the end of June. 

I have been going back and forth on having another child. Yes, that would be 4. This is what I have always wanted, but not sure what my body can handle. I am 32 years old....not 26 like when I had my first. My body still hasn't bounced back from the last pregnancy and it is not for lack of trying.
26 wow....it seems like yesterday, but yet I have come so far since then. Now I feel old....

Back to my point. I was confused on #4 until someone said...."In 10 years will you regret having a 4th?" The answer was so clear to me. Sure I may have challenges in the next 2 years that I am afraid to face, but 10 years from now I would never regret it.

Later that day I had my women's circle. On the way home I was thinking about having a 4th. As I turned onto our street an own flew across the front of my car (at a barely safe distance.) I knew this immediately as some kind of sign. I just wasn't sure until I really thought about it.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, M, I was also worried. I was scared for her and I. At one point I had a very vivid dream. I was driving down the road (same car) and I narrowly missed a big beautiful black horse. My daughter was born healthy and without complications. (In fact she was the only one born that night who wasn't a c-section.)

I don't fully get the symbolism. Why is the horse and one is the owl?? Hopefully some day I will be able to see the connection more clearly, but for now I will take what I can get.

So here is to the past 6+ years of being pregnant and nursing (non-stop) and to the next 2 or 3. Cheers!

(Now to get on with the baby making part......) :D

Searching

In the last month I have realized that I belong to no religion. I believe in God. I pray daily.

I was raised mainstream Christian. Usually belonging to a Pentecostal/ Assembly of God Church. I sang in every choir I could, since I was 5 years old, until I was 20. I must have read the Bible cover to cover at least 5 times, knew where every book in the Bible was and had over 20 scriptures memorized. Every time I read the Bible though I saw things in black in white that mainstream Christianity (and my local churches) ignored. (They actually ignored selective parts of the Bible.) But I was happy and I had my Christian family.

From 21-23...boys. At 24 I married a Muslim. His version of Islam seem to fit me, but mainstream Islam did not.

In the last month I discovered that mainstream Islam does not follow the Qur' an. It follow the Hadiths. Books/Stories written 300 years after the Qur'an. Upon further searching I found a small group of that follow the Qur'an but not the Hadiths. So far I have found a fit. They are called Qurainists or Qur'an Alone-ists.

Islam = Peace that comes from Submission to God.

I find the Qu'ran works with the Bible, and together so many things are re-confirmed.

So now am trying to re-read the Qur'an (in English). I am good with submitting to God. Just don't try to put me and my God in a manmade box.

2012 Goals

Buy more "local" (food, clothing, gifts) than I currently do.

Try to cut down on meat and drink more water.

Start taking my own bags everywhere.

Exercise 15 minutes a day.

Find time to read at least 12 books.

Keep a journal and work on personal growth.

Go on a family vacation (at least 2 days)

Spend more time outdoors (hiking/camping)

Stray from the crowds

I live in suburba that boarders the edge of wilderness. Since my daughter started school I have found myself trying to make friends with the other moms/neighbors at the bus stop, while trying all the while not to become part of the group.

Upon further thought I realized this really isn't a true 'burb. We have the Swiss mama, the Australian mama, and another American mama. None of us worry about dressing like a 10, but we all are slim and active. We all dress our age. We don't oust anyone for their opinion and we support each other and work together to address neighborhood issues.

I still don't feel like I am good friends with any of them, but I think that is best. I am a lonner and have always been. Close friends are rare and trying to make one tends to distract me from more important topics.

As with all humans, I share some common interests with everyone and if only I can stick to the common interest we can all get along great and help each other.

Selfish

We are the most selfish society, ever, and I am among their ranks. We are at the point where our conscious does not even recognize when we are being selfish. We do things because we can, never asking ourselves if we should. Even when we know we shouldn't, we still do because everyone else is and what is one more...

I just read this article about a 2 month old that dies while in daycare and for whatever reason the day care provider did not call 911 right away. It occurred to me best case scenario the baby had died of SIDS and she was to busy worrying about loosing her license (and maybe even her income and home) instead of just picking up the phone to try to save a life. She was possibly more worried about her own materials possessions because our society places more value on them, then life itself. She didn't think, it's okay if they close me down for the baby's death, they will forgive me and know I did my best, and maybe society will help me feed my family and pay my mortgage.

Interesting enough the fact that we pay interest on money we barrow is a crime in the eyes of the Qu'ran. In some societies (tribes) even ownership is wrong.

I think our first step as mothers is running our households like we wish the world to run. At home we try to teach our children sharing and teamwork for the betterment of the household. We try to teach them not to waste, to return things to their original state, be considerate of others. Sadly, I hear so many mothers not even teaching these basic principles so much.

On a board I sometimes frequent there was a mother asking for input. Her son (about 4 years old) got a candy for a reward from school and the father asked the son to share it with him. The mother said, no it is his reward, he earned it. Surprisingly 75% or more agreed with the mother. Now when this boy grows up and has a family what will he think if this continues to be reinforces. "It is my reward I earned it. I don't have to share." When the same mother is left homeless in her old age or dropped off in a retirement center because it is his money and his time and he earned it, she may rethink the choices she made, but it will be too late.

I don't blame the mother for not seeing the error in her way. I am sure she was raised the same way. I know I was also raised that way. It is the American dream/promise. Spend your time working hard and live like a king or queen enjoying your rewards.

Personally I am slowly learning that the rewards are in the (doing of the) work and the rewards are in the happiness you feel when you help someone who can't or doesn't know how to help themselves.

You have food, water, clothing, shelter, medical and a way to obtain and sustain those then it is your duty to help others with what you have left. (Education is included because it is learning how to obtain and/or sustain the above mentioned things and in some cases parents use the time the child is in daycare of school to work to obtain/sustain.)

Since life is also about balance I am going to make a new goal for myself. For every dollar I spend on something that is not part of the above I will give in equal portion to a person in need or an organization that helps others.

This means. I normally spend $10 on food for a nice dinner at home and we go out to eat and spend $50, then I must donate $40 to a cause or person. If I make a trip to Target to buy the kids a new Wii game then I must donate the cost of the extra gas plus the cost of the game. This will also hold true for things like family pictures. If I spend $200 on unneeded clothes plus $200 hiring the photographer then that is $400 I must donate somewhere. Family vacations same thing. If I can't afford to spend $2000 on a family vacation and $2000 in a cause then I will just have to scale things down. My weakness is chocolate/sugar and really it is not a necessity. So I will include this for my own benefit.

I know this wont change all my selfish ways but maybe it will help me awaken my consciousness and help some people along the way.

It probably sounds like I am just throwing money on the problem. However, anyone in my situation who has young children understands that taking children to do volunteer work is negating the part where I get work done. (Yes, it did take me 2 hours just to type this up with various interruptions.)

Life is short

Earlier this month there was a loss in the extended family Vet Falls from New York Coaster. Then last week there was an car accident close to home that could have involved us or my husband had it been another day. I beautiful 9 year old girl lost her life. In her honor people everywhere are giving to a charity to bring clean water to those who need it.

Saturday I woke up to find a good friend died suddenly when her heart just stopped at the gym. She left behind a beautiful almost 4 year old daughter and I can't imagine what the family is going through. I am still in shock. She was at my baby shower 5 years ago. Our girls were babies together. I just sent her a birthday wish 10 days ago.

Life is too short. I wish I could just hold my children and husband and never let go.

Rest in peace your lives were too short and you will be greatly missed.

Whoops!

With friends visiting and seeing how nice life can be when you aren't constantly carrying around a baby or pregnant, I decided I am really comfortable to be done having children and really ready to move on. I want to enjoy my husband and not constantly struggle to share my time on such a great level.

My husband freaks out when our 11 month old starts crying. No exaggeration. He walked home last weekend because he couldn't stand he crying for 5 minutes (while we were driving home.) This reconfirmed to me that we need to be done having babies.

Last night we had a little swimmer security breech. I seriously pray nothing becomes of that security breech. It brought us on the topic of permeant fixes.

When it comes down to it. I wouldn't mind having everything removed (not just disconnected), but then that brings it's own challenges. He doesn't want his junk touched. This would have obviously been the easiest solution.

I refuse birth control (hormones) and my body doesn't regulate itself enough to just keep a chart of temps (if by chance it does later, it may be too late.)

We are both kind of on the page of...what will happen will happen because aside from me getting everything removed there is always that small chance of something happening.

My husband did say something that made me sad. Well really if we don't want kids then we just need to be abstinent, but I can't do that so you will be on your own there.

I understand him on one hand, but on the other hand he doesn't want anymore kids either so how stupid does he sound not willing to do anything about it.

I am frustrated. If my body wasn't so jacked up (hips and feet) then I might just take up running and weight lifting again and then I wouldn't hardly have enough body fat to get pregnant.

Let me also put things in perspective. My grandmother who I take after like a twin. Had 3 children between 17 and 23. Then she had twins at 33 years old. Then after having the twins she had complications that later lead to a hysterectomy. My other grandmother had 3 kids, stopped and then whoops 8 years later another one. It also lead to an emergency hysterectomy.

Which child #3 I counted my blessings that everything went okay and we all were able to walk away. I really don't want to take my chances....

Ugh

Husband has a reunion weekend this summer about 2000 miles away. He wants (us all) to go. He has known about it since April or even earlier. I heard about it through his (exchange) parents in May.

Tell him get tickets so it won't be last minute expensive. He still hasn't even looked into tickets.

Today he e-mails me the reunion schedule and says, my (exchange) parents are too old to watch the kids so if you don't mind I want to go to the dinner and drinking night and then one night out with the boys.

Backstory I talked to him about starting my dance class back up in a month (it means I would be gone for 2 hours, but home for bedtime), and he said, "no I don't think your daughter is ready to be without you (at 11 months old)."

So of corse I basically said, why would I want to spend over $1k (more like 2-3) to go there and sit with the kids while you go out? We have a lot of other things we need to spend money on.

"well you can go have a girls night..." First if I had a girls night he would say, who are these friends and spend half an hour BSing me until it is not worth going. Second he knows I am not interested in "girls night" because I am not a drinker and even if I was, I couldn't because I am nursing. Third why he be okay with a girls night and not me taking my dance?

Oh yeah...he is full of sh1t. He claims he values family time but yet he never wants to do activities as a family. He just got back from 5 weeks away from us and now he wants to go out drinking with the guys to build relationships. Last weekend I wanted us all to go somewhere (I had multiple ideas and just asked him to pick something), no he spent it bitching about something house related and then we got stuff done in the yard.

Mostly Good

My grandmother who was born in 1933 came for a visit this week with my mom. Seeing my grandmother who is not aging so gracefully really made me think about things and how what I am doing now and the habits I am developing will impact my life in 40 years. It also made me think more about my parents and my plans for their care should they ever need help.

It is sad that my grandmother doesn't really know who I am or who the kids are, but great to see her. Z and her built a great little bond while she was here and I know Z will have good memories of her.

In swimming news. Little M, who is 10 months will start swimming lessons soon. G who is 3 can swim 20 feet my himself. Z who is 5, can swim at least 50 feet by herself. When I say by themselves I mean no help head down and coming up for a breath on their own as needed. Z can also swim out and dive 5 feet down without help.

In biking news. Z can bike 1/4 of a mile (without training wheels or help). G has a strider bike and he can go about 1/10 of a mile coasting (balancing). It would seem that I might have to kids on bikes without training wheels by the end of the summer. I have a double bike trailer/stroller and I might not have use for it much longer.

In talking news. M says, Mama, Baba, and Hi. G is putting into words all the thoughts in his head and it is really amazing. 6 months ago, "Help me please mama" was good. Now, "Mama look at that drawbridge it is moving fast." I didn't even know he knew what a drawbridge was...

This is an exciting time in all our lives. I just wish I could slow it down a little.

I am officially crazy

For our first Valentine's Day (after dating only 2 weeks) my (now) husband got me huge pearl earrings, chocolate, and flowers. For my first Mother's Day he got me an ipod nano. For another birthday a Wii (we already had a xbox360, but at least the kids get a lot of use out of the Wii). This year he got me an ipad (since he was gone for my birthday and Mother's Day). Oh and there was the engagement ring. The though was always well received but the gift... not so much.

He had known me for 2 years before the first Valentine's Day. I didn't like the pearl earrings... too big. (About 30% bigger than anything else I had ever worn.) Ipod...didn't need it. I think I had just bought a personal CD player about 6 months earlier. Ipad...I have a 3 year old working macbook pro (and he has a laptop and we have an extra laptop). The engagement ring it was also about 30% bigger than I wanted.

From his recent trip brought me back a beautiful cashmere scarf that is probably 6 ft X 2 Ft and I don't what to think what is cost. It is beautiful, but it is all colors I don't wear. It will probably sit in my closet until I die, maybe I will wear it a few times if I am lucky.

I think what upsets me most when I get these gifts is that it shows that he doesn't know me. You know what I want...new underwear, the yard re-landscaped (or at least a plan in place), the driveway re-sealed, a weekend at the beach. All of these things I have been talking about. It bugs me that he spends all this money on stuff I don't need/won't use and he could have feed a family in Egypt for a year.

These are only about half the gifts, so I guess he does okay.

How crazy am I, "Honey, Thank you, this is beautiful, but can I return it?"

I complain when he buys me something, I complain when he doesn't. Maybe I should create a "pinterest board" just for him or refer him to my Amazon wish list.

Support

There is only 1 time in my life when I felt like my parents were supportive. When I was in high school I ran cross country. At the semi-finals I finished 3rd and I didn't run my heart out. So they were supper supportive at the finals. They believed in me and knew I could place. They had a cake all ready for me when I came home but.... I didn't place. Sure we still enjoyed the cake and I felt like the one time they really supported me was the one time I let them down.

Where was that support the first 15 years of my life? Where has it been the last 16?

It is not that I need support but it sure would be nice if my parents could at least be just as supportive of me as they are of my brother's wife...is that really to much to ask...hell at least pretend I live 800 miles away so it really doesn't require much effort.